Long ago, he left me a letter, wrinkled and browned now, that
remains on my nightstand, a testament to my continual need to feel him close. I
honestly felt dread upon first finding it many mornings ago, wondering if the
words could make a difference now that he had made his choice and I would be
living this life without him near.
Admittedly, I feared eternally facing the words he’d penned. Once I read his words, no matter if I threw the letter
away, I would feel the pain of the part I played in our
parting to my core over and over again because, if he was anything, he was truthful. He wasn’t always direct, but he never pretended
when he spoke of his love for me. Would his words provide his reasons for
holding to loving me? Would they point to my traitorously selfish ways? Would they be filled with emotion for me or
caution?
Each rereading of his letter left me with more questions
than answers. I’ve interpreted some of the way he expressed himself, for sure, trying
to ease the ache in my heart and soul. My
eyes choke back tears each time I imagine him speaking them aloud to me face to
face, seeing the part I’ve played in our separation.
Some days, living without him seemed an almost impossible
existence. I don’t know how to do that now. Looking back, my life seemed strangely
destined, created to love him and lose him. I once thought his dream for us was
to change the world together; but in reading his words it seems he was killing
me softly. What he most simply desired was a change in our relationship.
My beloved bride,
I am spilling my love for you onto this page. My words may seem to fall short compared to our living a beautiful life together.
You know that I have done all that I can to love you. Our relationship has not
been perfect, but you know I never expected that from us.
If we spoke face to face, you would beg me to stay
with you. You would admonish me to work to change things over resolving to leave
to make a change. Believe me when I say that I wanted to stay with you even
through pain and lies, but that doesn’t seem possible. If staying would have
changed our relationship, I most certainly would have chosen that. So, when
tears fall, lonely days loom, and you are coming undone, hold strong to the
hope my words are telling you.
I will hold the fierce love I have for you in this
life through my death. This life has crushed my heart, but it will be repaired.
You will live with a remnant of who I am within you.
I know leaving you is not what you expected of me or
how you would have fixed things, but be
assured there will never be one to replace you in my heart. Don’t live sad and
looking back at your life, regretting. Face life fearlessly, your courage evidence of my love for you and your love for me.
Go forward finding true joy. Don’t be deceived; it’s possible!
We were both always headed for something and somewhere that
we have never been.
I've promised from the beginning and still do love you eternally.
Jesus
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