My daughter and my husband and I have been watching the sitcom This Is Us since the beginning of the Pearsons' existence. This imaginary family has pierced through our emotions and motivations.
My family doesn't live their imaginary life. However, like them, not all has come to what my husband and I had imagined at the outset. We recall those moments we looked into one another's eyes at each of our three babies' arrivals and quietly resolved to be the parent we knew they would need. We pledged deep in our hearts to cradle, to protect, to teach, to serve, and to love in our hearts. We ventured forth through each fast paced day toward making a family life and making life changing decisions with our words and actions, not always aware how each would mark the heart of each of our kids.
With a teacher and a policeman for parents, you have the makings of a life needing some structure and sanity. But some days, some moments, some decisions just seemed to go awry. Oh my, grace is needed for us parents from the three who were along for our ride.
We don't have the same Pearson drama, but we've still lived a life together and shaped one another. And as I've joked through some moments, "The drama of it all!"
No one parent gets it right all the time. I know I thought I got it right at times, but now looking back, it wasn't right for perhaps everyone. I know what looked to be wrong, at times, turned right for some, but not each one.
The raw pain and sorrow and intense emotions that breaks our hearts from the Pearsons' screenplay certainly breaks open the thoughts and heart of this mom. I'm glad there is a sea of forgetfulness, but in the cases where memories echo in the hearts of kids, I am glad I have this moment to apologize for the mistakes I've made, the ones I know and don't know about.
So I ask my kids to hear my heart when I offer these words:
I'm sure even the best intentioned mother or father can slideshow through the film of their parenting and see clips of episodes that they would beg a retake for, maybe even a second, third, or fourth retake. I know I didn't always get what I intended when I did try to be better. In fact, I know I missed areas I needed to change because my perspective just wasn't clear at the time.
Then that's when in looking back the shame can creep and sorrow seep into the picture.
I know, too, that an apology doesn't make everything picture perfect, but if moments can be reconciled for good and emotions saddled into deepened relationships, then an apology is needed. After all, this is us.
I don't want my adult kids to just memorize the lines on my growing old face but rather the lines from my mouth that speak the truth of knowing I didn't always get it right, but I'm still here listening cause I'm not here to defend my actions but defend their hearts because this is the us.
I've been reflecting these days. My husband and I sensed that we probably didn't get it all right in teaching our kids about race and racial relations while trying to raise kids in St. Louis, Missouri; Terre Haute, Indiana; and Mahomet, Illinois. So, we invited our adult children to consider ways we lived, spoke, and acted while they were being raised that displayed bias, explicit or implicit. There were few specific instances at our family meeting, but the overarching conclusion was that we just didn't talk as much as we should have about race and racial relations. We don't get a do over. We could have done better. This is us.
I want my adult kids to know that I'm not here to recreate a picture for them of excuses from my perspective, but rather I'm here to own the life we lived together, so they know that in the life we are still creating together they feel safe, comforted, not alone, and emboldened to be the parents of kids our future will need. This is the us.
Since we have grown older together and know our less than perfect togetherness, we find compassion for one another. We know we have been blessed beyond measure to be your parents and create a shared life with you. The love we commit to live out for one another knows that we can never hold one another to perfection, but we will promise to always hold one another in grace and encouragement because, after all, this is us, and we want to own it!
 |
| https://onmilwaukee.com/images/articles/th/this-is-us-recap-fiffth-wheel/this-is-us-recap-fiffth-wheel_fullsize_story1.jpg?20180110105056 |
My family doesn't live their imaginary life. However, like them, not all has come to what my husband and I had imagined at the outset. We recall those moments we looked into one another's eyes at each of our three babies' arrivals and quietly resolved to be the parent we knew they would need. We pledged deep in our hearts to cradle, to protect, to teach, to serve, and to love in our hearts. We ventured forth through each fast paced day toward making a family life and making life changing decisions with our words and actions, not always aware how each would mark the heart of each of our kids.
With a teacher and a policeman for parents, you have the makings of a life needing some structure and sanity. But some days, some moments, some decisions just seemed to go awry. Oh my, grace is needed for us parents from the three who were along for our ride.
We don't have the same Pearson drama, but we've still lived a life together and shaped one another. And as I've joked through some moments, "The drama of it all!"
No one parent gets it right all the time. I know I thought I got it right at times, but now looking back, it wasn't right for perhaps everyone. I know what looked to be wrong, at times, turned right for some, but not each one.
The raw pain and sorrow and intense emotions that breaks our hearts from the Pearsons' screenplay certainly breaks open the thoughts and heart of this mom. I'm glad there is a sea of forgetfulness, but in the cases where memories echo in the hearts of kids, I am glad I have this moment to apologize for the mistakes I've made, the ones I know and don't know about.
So I ask my kids to hear my heart when I offer these words:
My parenting must come with my disclaimer to you. If I have done things that have hurt you, I am sorry. I have a reel of those rolling through my mind's eye. If I hurt you and didn't realize it, I am sorry. I know that saying to a powerless kid, "I tried my best" seems to fall short at mending a sad heart. I know that I was selfish at times. I know that some days I gave in to the tired and weary. I know sometimes I took the easy way out with the angry. I know maybe I didn't always try as hard as I should have. I know I didn't always see all your needs, especially those that a kid would beg for a parent to see without having to speak them and maybe not even knowing how to express them. I know that I may not have adequately equipped you for life's biggest dramas. I know I wasn't a perfect parent. And I'm still here as your parent, striving to love and lead with the best of intentions.
I'm sure even the best intentioned mother or father can slideshow through the film of their parenting and see clips of episodes that they would beg a retake for, maybe even a second, third, or fourth retake. I know I didn't always get what I intended when I did try to be better. In fact, I know I missed areas I needed to change because my perspective just wasn't clear at the time.
Then that's when in looking back the shame can creep and sorrow seep into the picture.
I know, too, that an apology doesn't make everything picture perfect, but if moments can be reconciled for good and emotions saddled into deepened relationships, then an apology is needed. After all, this is us.
I don't want my adult kids to just memorize the lines on my growing old face but rather the lines from my mouth that speak the truth of knowing I didn't always get it right, but I'm still here listening cause I'm not here to defend my actions but defend their hearts because this is the us.
I've been reflecting these days. My husband and I sensed that we probably didn't get it all right in teaching our kids about race and racial relations while trying to raise kids in St. Louis, Missouri; Terre Haute, Indiana; and Mahomet, Illinois. So, we invited our adult children to consider ways we lived, spoke, and acted while they were being raised that displayed bias, explicit or implicit. There were few specific instances at our family meeting, but the overarching conclusion was that we just didn't talk as much as we should have about race and racial relations. We don't get a do over. We could have done better. This is us.
I want my adult kids to know that I'm not here to recreate a picture for them of excuses from my perspective, but rather I'm here to own the life we lived together, so they know that in the life we are still creating together they feel safe, comforted, not alone, and emboldened to be the parents of kids our future will need. This is the us.
Since we have grown older together and know our less than perfect togetherness, we find compassion for one another. We know we have been blessed beyond measure to be your parents and create a shared life with you. The love we commit to live out for one another knows that we can never hold one another to perfection, but we will promise to always hold one another in grace and encouragement because, after all, this is us, and we want to own it!
Comments