WHEN MORE WORDS ARE NEEDED: LESSONS FROM SPORTS (Part. 2 of 3)



When being involved in sports or band or robotics or dance or chess club or _____   (insert whatever hobby or interest you have ), we parents really just want to watch our kids enjoy the process.  We really don't want the kids so hung up on performance that they develop anxiety (this surely seems to be what is happening a lot). After all, this is a voluntary activity and who volunteers for turmoil and torture, right?




Yet, many times our game responses, both in actions and words, heighten the level of expectations and tension already being self-inflicted. The pressure leveled is that of a haunting giant.While many parenting experts are telling us to say nothing but the basics of I love you, I am proud of you, and play hard, I believe that we need to provide giant mental guidance for our kids who are now involved in sports and activities in record numbers.

According to research which admits the numbers are probably much higher, in 2011, 28.7 million United States students ages 8 to 17 were playing organized sports, more than the population of Texas today and most of Oklahoma. (http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/9469252/hidden-demographics-youth-sports-espn-magazine).   We cannot let the opportunity pass by to speak into our children's lives, especially when they are spending a large portion of their time and energy focusing on activities that are developing their thinking about themselves.

So I continue with my rant that MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID:

5. MENTAL FORTITUDE ISN'T DISCOVERED, IT IS DEVELOPED
Writers don't suddenly believe they are writers because they penned one piece.  Even if an acclaimed author tells me my writing is good, I couldn't be sure it wasn't a nicety or fluke.

Just as physical strength is developed through a good regimen of lifting weights, mental strength  must also be gained through continual workouts. It takes much practice at gaining the right perspective about our performance.


It takes practice to get to the place that mentally we don't fall apart when loss is imminent or we find that we are by far the underdog, that we determine that we can continue with the same zeal and effort when the critics corner calls us to cowardice, that we find joy even when a moment bleeds painful, that we recall our love for this sport when we don't love the current mind games.

Mental strength gains are gradual, and mental muscle atrophy is quick when the right muscles are not flexed frequently. Often these muscles are most accurately massaged with the right thinking.  And while I love you, I am proud of you, and play hard are the foundation  for all these muscles, there will be more building blocks needed to fortify the kind of strength necessary for the long haul play through life's games.



Consider this quote from one of my favorite players, Michael Jordan:
"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games.  26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed."

Parents, friends, coaches, and teachers will need to add the verbal blocks to build strength into these muscles. Let's battle to build one another up: MORE WORDS NEED TO BE SAID.


6. PAY ATTENTION!    EVERYTHING APPLIES TO  LIFE AFTER THE SPORT

Sometimes, we have asked our kids what the coach said about a particular game or how he spoke about the team's play to recap a team performance.  Mostly, we do that for balance because some coaches just don't have the balance when it comes to giving perspective on a team or an individual performance. There is no place in any activity for being berated and boxed with words.  Encouragement comes in many colors, but it doesn't come in that color. My son has expressed ( and been blessed) that he knows that his coach cares most about who he is in life outside of the basketball court.  With that kind of foundation, he will better hear critiques for improvement.

When 34% of girls and 61% of boys from all grades 3-12 say sports are a big part of who they are, then we better be sure what is being used to build who they are becoming.  The words that coaches and teammates and teachers are speaking are like drops in a bucket; they all hit the soul, whether good or bad, and create a ripple effect of thinking for the rest of life.  We may have to apply some band-aids and salve with our inserted words when some of these words become misguided missiles.


These sporting activities simulate the competitive world our children will live in at large. Why not take the opportunities to develop the correct neurological synapses while we have the chance.  These words may make them more empathetic and cooperative performers in the future work place.
MORE WORDS MAY NEED TO BE SAID.



7. LISTEN TO YOUR COACHES THAT COME FROM OTHER PLACES
We've been fortunate through the years to have many car-pooling opportunities and friends whose kids play the same sports as ours.  Sometimes, as the boys bantered and ranted in the back or in the basement, it was that car-pooling parent that nudged a more correct perspective.

The mob mentality created by the back seat rhetoric may need to be squelched or redirected by a voice of calm reason and encouragement.  Often parents are mistakenly more voyeuristic, however, thinking they don't want to stifle conversation or be known as the meddling mom. Sometimes, kids' banter is just funny light humor, not deep seated unsound thinking.

One time my oldest son's friend was ranting in my kitchen that his football coach was constantly on him, constantly telling him what he was doing wrong and needed to do better.  From this, he deduced the coach didn't like him.  I provided another perspective.  I told him that perhaps he should be thankful, to which he gave me the you don't even understand look.  I told him he should be thankful the coach was talking to him and seeking him out to direct him, for when the coach isn't talking to him is when the coach doesn't really care to improve him as a player.  When the coach doesn't take the time to give him pointers, that is when he should worry.

It pays to listen and speak into the kids' lives to discover when better strength and perspectives are needed.
MORE WORDS MAY NEED TO BE SAID.

8. YOU NEED THE PEOPLE IN THE STANDS

We were fortunate to be able to attend most of my kids activities.  Even grandparents and aunts and uncles, and friends come to watch their activities. Not every child is so fortunate.  Sadly, not every child has parents that are proud of their children just because of who they are, not how they perform. Even still, some parents would profess they are proud of their children, but their proclamations from the stands relate otherwise. Every person in the bleachers, standing on the sidelines, watching from the corners, needs to be a cheerleader for all the kids that are performing, not just their own.

A friend told me once that I didn't have to come to watch her daughter's game because she doesn't play much anyway. Whether she plays or not, I went to support  her and her team.  I went because I wanted her to know she was valued to me, whether she got playing time or not, whether she played a good game or not.




Sometimes, the parents in the stands relate more performance anxiety than the kids. At my oldest son's junior high recreational basketball game, a mother sat in the stands and yelled directives at her son the entire time he was on the court.  I couldn't focus because I worriedly winced every time she called a new command to him. I am sure she made him a nervous or embarrassed wreck. Finally, after warning me that he couldn't take it any longer either, my husband turned around and asked her to be quiet and leave her son alone.
          It was brave; it was bold; it was necessary.

This cultural illness of  a parent believing he is measured by his child's performance is contagious. To eradicate it, we need the other people in the stands.  That's why grandparents and friends and aunts and uncles are a valued commodity at games. They can calm parents, watch, cheer, and not get all wrapped up in the performance of one child.  Some parents feel they are measured by their children's performances and value to a team. Grandparents and friends and aunts and uncles just love the child... no pressure needed... no panic necessary.

SOMETIMES MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID TO THE PARENTS!

During sports, band competitions, scholastic bowls, or single-handed hobbies, parents cannot abdicate the opportunity to provide wise thinking and perspective for their children's fragile growing hearts and minds.  They need to be strengthened with the right glue so they aren't later undone with wrong thinking.  When their thinking is distorted and warped, we need to speak perspective.




MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID ALL ALONG THE WAY (My final points on this subject to be written another day.)


Comments

Jeff Goins said…
I can't wait to introduce my son to the world of sports — not because we're crazy about athletics, but because I look forward to all these lessons he'll learn about life. Unfortunately, these are the lessons I missed out on because I didn't think of myself as an athlete and had to learn them later in life. Well done, Cherie!
Anonymous said…
Cher that last Blog was fantastic. I am learning so much. I loved the way you explained yourself. What an amazing teacher you make not just for your kids in school but for us adults who still need to learn what you are sharing with us.
Great going and yes I do love you and can't wait to hear your next blog. Ma