ON BECOMING "REAL"

Self-righteous: Confident of one’s own righteousness, especially when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others. (dictionary.com)

It is probably a rare moment to be called self-righteous because few really want to enrage a person by calling her out on her behavior and listen to the irate person's forthcoming tirade defending her behavior.
sodahead.com
And what does it mean to have this annoying personality trait? And why do I make people feel this way? Looking inside, the best definition of this term is that it is a measurement of my behavior, attitude, and responses as compared to the person's who calls me this. I appear to think I  am superior, holier-than-thou, play by the rules better, stay in line more, manage a situation more appropriately, respond better, and only care what someone thinks if he is going to take my advice.  All of this means that I discount the value of others opinions, ideas, and ways of doing things that are different than my own. 

Ouch! That sounds quite narcissistic. I am not sure if that is a measure or low self-esteem or esteeming myself too highly.  By definition, it would appear I compare myself often to others and find myself looking really good and end up making those around me feel "less than." 

And how do I respond when someone tags me with this label? Initially, being called anything unkind will sound the alarm for my defensive walls to go up. But mostly I have to find a quiet retreat; one where my pain can be released and then humble introspection can follow, for humility is understanding how egotistical I really am. This claim quiets any desire to refute or discuss positions and feelings because, after all, that appears to be paradoxically self-righteous and ends up in a finger pointing show-down, now doesn't it? 

It seems cracks have developed in my desire to live authentically: one where I am real because I realize I am flawed. I will return to the lessons of authenticity and vulnerability from The Velveteen Rabbit and grow in removing these hindrances to this life, this arrogance, so that my motives and intentions to be "real" are what are revealed.  

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“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?' 

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 
― Margery WilliamsThe Velveteen Rabbit



inthefray.org
And so I express a genuine "sorry" for my self-righteousness and vow to continue the process of living well. The grace and love afforded to me and others will be what rubs me real so that others will see my empathy instead of my arrogance. 


“For the believer, humility is honesty about one's greatest flaws to a degree in which he is fearless about truly appearing less righteous than another.” 
― Criss JamiSalomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile

Comments

Anonymous said…
I consider that annoying personality trait to be the one who has no compassion or insight and calls the other self-righteous. Do not apologize for your so-called self-righteousness. Standing up and saying YES to life and living from your truth is what is being real and will have you eventually very loose in the joints and shabby. It is not arrogant to put oneself out there. It is simply risking the fact that the insecurities of others will come out of the woodwork. - Chrissy
Anonymous said…
I love the skin horse and the rabbit. I never tire of reading the story. Self-righteous. Ah I don't ever think of you as self-righteous. It is a good thing to be reminded that we can let loose and not hold on to our frail better than thou view. As we all fall and someone comes to pick us up and others fall and we stand ready to assist. You could get a bad back doing that one but that is how we are built. It is all about looking into someone's face and seeing their heart shining out of their eyes
Sara P. said…
Processing others' criticisms is a tough path to go down. Sometimes they're right on the money. Sometimes they're maybe half right. Sometimes, they're from people who are so wounded themselves that all they can do is point out perceived flaws in others, which may in turn be colored by their own wounds. Processing the validity of criticism takes time with Jesus, listening to Him, letting Him bring correction, not condemnation. His voice is so loving. :-)

I'm with those above -- I don't see self-righteousness in you. I see confidence. I also see compassion and care. I see persistence, fight, determination, and love.
Anonymous said…
How can one see themselves as one way and others see nothing like that? What I see in you is a fun, loving, caring person who value's family and her faith. I honor getting to know you more and more with each blog you write. Know that your not alone as I find myself relating to each blog and seeing myself so much of the time. It amazes me how a person can feel it without being able to express it and another can put words to it and suddenly it's all so clear! I'm on this journey with you my friend.
Lori
Anonymous said…
I forgot to put ma after my skin horse and rabbit reply. love you