When Borrowing is NOT a BURDEN

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Borrowing pain and sorrow are difficult for me not to do.   Yet, I do have trouble placing it back where it belongs.  I figure it could be like everyone in the family cleaning the home rather than just one person.  If  the drudgery is shared perhaps the pain will be over sooner, right? Really, borrowing sorrow simply seems to multiply its effect.  Looking at it logically, the borrowing of sorrow and pain is like trying to get gum off the bottom of my shoe. (Who threw the pain in the neck gum on the ground in the first place?) Once I realize I am stuck to the ground, pulling it off the shoe only causes it to stick to my hand which only causes it to be transferred it to the other hand when I try to get it off my hand.... We know the endless sticky mess this makes. 

My brain is missing some basic skill here because as I see it borrowing only gets me in trouble, yet I do it.  Concerned about my husband's furloughs, we know a bit of the troubles the government's borrowing of money causes.  If I borrow money on credit, the interest is sky high.  That's probably why I pay the entire balance of a credit card off each month and another reason I would love to pay my house mortgage in full. I have paid fines on borrowed library books (They were small!).  In high school, my brother borrowed (without my knowing) my yellow Polo shirt (I had matching socks!!  It was a guy's yellow Ralph Lauren Polo which was the in-thing for girls to wear).  It was noticeably returned to my closet with an ink stain on the pocket. 

Borrowing for long periods of time even leads to other troubles.  I borrowed my brother-in-law's Office DVDs one Christmas break.  When he asked for them back, I knew I had already returned them.  The family concluded that the solution to the  mystery of the long missing DVDs must lie within my other brother-in-law borrowing, misplacing, and forgetting them. A year after the search for the DVDs, I discovered them in a cabinet next to my bed where I was keeping them safely from my adult children. Wow, I really wanted to stealthily place them back in the house I borrowed them from, but I had to admit my own  amnesia.

Who  would choose sadness, anyway? Absolutely, I would reject any offers of it.  It seems it would be as easy to say no to as someone asking, "Hey would you like to house my irreparable vehicle in your driveway?"  or "How about I hang an empty 11 x 17 picture frame in your living room."   What good is that?  Yet, I realize I actually I  do say yes to borrowing pain.

Looking harshly at myself, I thought maybe I had a God complex, thinking I can fix others' pain. In my defense, for years I have fixed my children's aches and pains and scratches with cold packs, Tylenol and Ibuprofen, albuterol, numbing ear drops, aloe, and Bactine. I know a few things about alleviating pain.

In a twist of thinking, that's what I concluded about today's close pain--that compassion does call me to borrow the pain because I DO KNOW AND SHOULD DO A FEW THINGS ABOUT ALLEVIATING  THE PAIN.  So today, as I have always done with borrowed pain (They don't call me Dr. Cherie in this family for no reason), through prayer I sorted out and researched my heart for the cause of the borrowed pain. I determined and searched my biblical medical supplies for the correct salves and medication to help.  I applied them as directed in the Word.    And I now stand guard watching and waiting and expecting the healing to begin.  Reapplying prayer as necessary.

I borrowed the pain in compassion to carry and lay it at the cross for my Doctor's cure. In his consultation with me as a parent today, he gently reminded me that compassion is not a burden so I can borrow that pain for a moment, but I should never carry the weight of the burden which is only for Him.
 

Comments

Anonymous said…
It's been a struggle my whole life to not take on the suffering of the world and collapse beneath it. However, I came across wise teachers who began to teach me how to stay centered in myself in the midst of witnessing so that I am able to be present to the one in pain, knowing it is not my pain. Anyone like me who witnesses deliberately the traumas of our loved ones and our world can take on those traumas and even develop Secondary Post-traumatic Stress Disorders. I did. I have also been healing from them. I think we fear being present to others pain because we do not know how to stay centered in a way that does not feel as if another's pain is ripping us apart. The author Chellis Glendinning described the amazing story of how it looks to stay centered in a healthy way in the face of pain. A woman's husband had a terrible gash that had gangrened. They were in a remote village with no anesthetic around. The doctor had to cut out the gangrenous material without it. Now, the woman could have been beside herself, terrified, crying and feeling her husband's pain, letting it incapacitate her and thereby need tending herself. But that is not what happened, for she'd been brought up differently to know this pain was not hers. She remained very calm, holding his hand as he let out moans of pain as he was cut into. She was able to be there for him as he pushed his head against her in her lap. He did not exaggerate his pain in any way or become hysterical. They were able to cut the area away. I was trained to do this as a peer-counselor not long after reading her book. It amazed me that I could really do this. I thought for sure I'd cry and rage along with the person in pain who was telling me sometimes horrific stories. I was sure I would not be able to listen, but would need tending to myself. I was sure I would be overwhelmed by the pain, despair at it and collapse into a useless mush. I did not. But, I have to admit, over time, as I witnessed more and more pain and suffering of the world as an activist, I did enter into a severe burnout - and then turned to the birds to 'save' me - as you know, dear sis. I decided I needed some serious work on loving myself to save myself. Giving the gift of the beauty of the birds to myself was the greatest act of love for myself I had ever engaged in - and still do. And it has been a miracle for me. Still on the healing path, I am grateful everyday for all the wisdom shared on this. Thanks sis for writing about this subject so dear to my heart. You are wise. Your last line captures the essence of the issue at hand - be there with the pain ("borrow that pain for a moment"), but don't "carry the weight of the burden of it..." This little article by one of my favorite Buddhist authors, Thich Nhat Hanh, who wrote the book LIVING BUDDHA, LIVING CHRIST, explains this best for me. He introduces the article with these words:

"As activists we want to do something to help the world to suffer less. But we know that when we’re not peaceful, when we don’t have enough compassion in us, we can’t do much to help the world. We ourselves are at the center. We have to make peace and reduce the suffering in ourselves first, because we represent the world. Peace, love, and happiness must always begin here, with ourselves. There is suffering, fear, and anger inside of us, and when we take care of it, we are taking care of the world...The basic thing we can do to help the world is to be healthy, solid, loving, and gentle to ourselves. Then when people look at us, they will gain confidence. They will say, “If she can do that, I can do that too!”"
And here is the full short article: http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3801&Itemid=0



June 20, 2013 at 12:43 PM
Cherie McClarren Roberson said…
A heart of gratitude within us provides the joy which provides the peace to share the mercy and grace that joy infuses into our heart! So with the eyes we look outward from ourselves with a perspective of thanksgiving for all this world offers. Looking with the right lenses is important. You are right. Thanks for sharing your heart--it is good.
June 21, 2013 at 9:51 AM
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