It's graduation time. I received 5 cards to the same party for 8 kids. I had no clue who sent me two of the invitations because they came with no name, but I was fairly certain who HADN'T invited me because I was pretty sure he could have cared less because of our last exchange.
I know that student behaviors are a form of communication. I know that the best communication with students is accomplished through mutual respect, those times each person is being seen, heard, and listened to with care.
Here's the tough honesty. Some days as a teacher, I understand what students are relating, but some days I do not. Some days, I have the wherewithal to delve deeper, but some days my strength fails me. Some days, I patiently ponder and watch for the non-verbals, and some days I walk right into a power struggle. Some days I choose to bless, and some days I run ahead with my authority.
And even on those days when I think I've tried my best, the communication can break down. These are the disheartening days because students' feelings do matter to me; maintaining mutual respect is important to me; creating a climate of being heard is vital to the relationship I have with students.
And on one such morning with a prior high school student of mine now senior, a quick exchange suddenly became that train wreck of communication. One sentence from me of "Hey, pick that up" as I walked out my classroom door seeing bottles of hand sanitizer sliding across the hallway floor started a crashing exchange.
My mind reeled in the disrespect postured back at me. As the cars of this train seemed to careen together, I quickly replayed his stare, tone, and response, "I didn't do it." I wasn't sure what he heard in my simple request to respond in his way. The banter to end the battle backfired until I attempted to end the struggle with "Careful, I will have to issue a detention" to which to save face at the authority card I had thrown he showed little care.
Just place a big FAIL above my head for this one. I really didn't want to issue a detention. I hadn't tried to single him out. I just wanted someone to put things back where they belonged. What should have been a quick easy-going, simple exchange became so much more.
For me, this is the stuff of teaching nightmares. How does that student see me now? What have I lead that student to believe about me? A relationship of mutual respect lies in pieces.
And that's how I left it. No detention. I just walked away. I walked back to my room surprised, frustrated, and disappointed from the struggle. Frustrated with me and frustrated with him, wondering what just happened. FAILURE.
Until I walked into this by invitation only graduation party and saw my name under HIS list of invitees.
What followed was the needed reminder of a lesson I try to teach others: FINISH WELL. He came up to me at his party in front of his peers and hugged me, told me he was glad I came to his party, and apologized for being disrespectful. His genuineness brought tears to my eyes because I knew I had not rectified this relationship. I let it hang in the balance as if it had not mattered when clearly I was sorry about its state every day I saw him in the hallway. I told myself he probably didn't care. I assumed he clearly wanted nothing but distance from me.
What had been broken was simply repaired, and he INITIATED it. He humbly filled the chasm we both sensed between us. I have great regard for his plain spoken admission of HIS part.
But this is my plain spoken admission of MY part. This is my apology for not being my best for him that day! I apologize that I saw you, but I did not try to understand why you chose your words. This is my apology for not making it right after that! This my apology for not coming back to you and saying my lingering frustration out loud, "YOU MATTER TO ME, COME ON, LET'S GET THIS RIGHT!"
He is going on to college to become a policeman, and I cannot be prouder of the man he is becoming. He showed that "I'm sorry" for the past is the best move toward a better future. He offered humility through adversity, something all policemen need to extend every day. He showed me that our relationship being finished well mattered.
He showed that the only true power a man possesses to change the world are the words he chooses to speak life back into people.
Here's the tough honesty. Some days as a teacher, I understand what students are relating, but some days I do not. Some days, I have the wherewithal to delve deeper, but some days my strength fails me. Some days, I patiently ponder and watch for the non-verbals, and some days I walk right into a power struggle. Some days I choose to bless, and some days I run ahead with my authority.
And even on those days when I think I've tried my best, the communication can break down. These are the disheartening days because students' feelings do matter to me; maintaining mutual respect is important to me; creating a climate of being heard is vital to the relationship I have with students.
And on one such morning with a prior high school student of mine now senior, a quick exchange suddenly became that train wreck of communication. One sentence from me of "Hey, pick that up" as I walked out my classroom door seeing bottles of hand sanitizer sliding across the hallway floor started a crashing exchange.
My mind reeled in the disrespect postured back at me. As the cars of this train seemed to careen together, I quickly replayed his stare, tone, and response, "I didn't do it." I wasn't sure what he heard in my simple request to respond in his way. The banter to end the battle backfired until I attempted to end the struggle with "Careful, I will have to issue a detention" to which to save face at the authority card I had thrown he showed little care. Just place a big FAIL above my head for this one. I really didn't want to issue a detention. I hadn't tried to single him out. I just wanted someone to put things back where they belonged. What should have been a quick easy-going, simple exchange became so much more.
For me, this is the stuff of teaching nightmares. How does that student see me now? What have I lead that student to believe about me? A relationship of mutual respect lies in pieces.
And that's how I left it. No detention. I just walked away. I walked back to my room surprised, frustrated, and disappointed from the struggle. Frustrated with me and frustrated with him, wondering what just happened. FAILURE.
Until I walked into this by invitation only graduation party and saw my name under HIS list of invitees.
What followed was the needed reminder of a lesson I try to teach others: FINISH WELL. He came up to me at his party in front of his peers and hugged me, told me he was glad I came to his party, and apologized for being disrespectful. His genuineness brought tears to my eyes because I knew I had not rectified this relationship. I let it hang in the balance as if it had not mattered when clearly I was sorry about its state every day I saw him in the hallway. I told myself he probably didn't care. I assumed he clearly wanted nothing but distance from me.
What had been broken was simply repaired, and he INITIATED it. He humbly filled the chasm we both sensed between us. I have great regard for his plain spoken admission of HIS part.
But this is my plain spoken admission of MY part. This is my apology for not being my best for him that day! I apologize that I saw you, but I did not try to understand why you chose your words. This is my apology for not making it right after that! This my apology for not coming back to you and saying my lingering frustration out loud, "YOU MATTER TO ME, COME ON, LET'S GET THIS RIGHT!"He is going on to college to become a policeman, and I cannot be prouder of the man he is becoming. He showed that "I'm sorry" for the past is the best move toward a better future. He offered humility through adversity, something all policemen need to extend every day. He showed me that our relationship being finished well mattered.
He showed that the only true power a man possesses to change the world are the words he chooses to speak life back into people.
Comments
Oh my goodness that was so powerful. And I did have tears in my eyes. Haven't we all done something similar and wished for better. What a great and loving teacher and daughter you are. I love you so much. Sending Hugs. mom