WHEN MORE WORDS ARE NEEDED: LESSONS FROM SPORTS (Part 1 of 3)

"But I want my kids to hear that doing what they do, and learning about who God created them to be, is a joy to watch as it unfolds. --Brad Griffin 



I know I am going to catch some guff for setting sports up as a primary mode for learning life's important lessons. For those of us that are or were athletes, we get it.  For those who abhor claiming such a title, please substitute your hobby when you were young in place of the sport as you look through my looking glass.

My daughter was not an athlete, but she was in the band and all these lessons could apply to that activity, also. But since I played sports and now have the perspective of a mother and a coach, I will speak from that court.

My brother sent me an article The Only Six Words Parents Need to Say to Their Kids about Sports (or Any Performance)  by  Brad Griffin, Associate Director of Fuller Youth Institute, which referenced an article by student leadership development expert Tim Elmore  whose research discusses the most encouraging words a parent can say before a competition without getting into performance:

1: Have fun
2. Play hard
3. I love you

Then, after the competition say these things:

1. Did you have fun?
2. I'm proud of you
3. I love you.

The article went on to say that college athletes most love to hear these six words: I love to watch you play

I realize this is research with data to back it up and yet wondered if that statement was true in my life. Probably by the time I started to play college volleyball, that comment was true.  By then, enough coaches had attempted to fine-hone my skills that I might not have believed my parents negative or positive criticism anyway.

Yet, I had to really analyze what I had said to my kids when they were growing up.  I may have said a lot more to them than the suggested three statements.  While we don't want a culture that is riddled with performance anxiety, I have had to speak into my children's world through sports to combat false paradigms.

First off, I do agree that we should always play a sport because we find it fun. Also, we always want to know no matter how we played, win or lose, good or bad performance,  that our parents are proud of us and love us.

BUT I DO BELIEVE MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID.

So I have said a lot of words through my kids' years from little league through high school, but what I have said were used to teach lessons that are necessary for life at large, not to just make my child perform better in the next game.  My experience in sports makes me disagree with the Mr. Griffin.  I believe MORE DOES NEED TO BE SAID.

As a teacher, if I tell a child that I love him, he may believe me because, after all, I am a teacher and loving kids is what I do. But what about the days a child misinterprets my actions?  What happens when what is good for her seems really hard to her. MORE MAY NEED TO BE SAID.

When I claim I am proud of a junior high student without further explanation, he doesn't believe that blanket statement.  He quizzically stares in wait of the why.  
MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID.

So here I quickly contemplated what else have I said to students, athletes, and my own children before and after games because I believe more needs to be said.

1. YOU ARE AN ASSET:
Just these last couple weeks through the job interviewing process, I had to remind my 24 year old son as he left our home to return to his home in Chicago and start his new job that he is this company's new asset.  He learned that way back when he was chosen for a high school team.  He learned that he was wanted and needed. He was a valued member of their performance.

However, at times, sports also tear away at the very fiber of confidence they can build.  While he is a very skilled game developer, in high school he may not have felt as valued by the coach as other members of his soccer team.  He recognized that the soccer players' value was represented by their playing time, especially on a senior night when the coach barely allowed him to play.  It took our words as parents to sort the emotional entanglement of  his heart judging his value by a coach determining his value to the team. MORE WORDS NEEDED TO BE SAID.

2. YOU HAVE A NICHE:
Family, team, clicks, gangs...we all want a place to belong.  We long to be safely placed under the covering. Yet, once kids hit junior high sports, they may begin to struggle with coaches and other players.  The child that once loved this sport goes home and complains and feels pressure. Parents begin to wonder why their child would even want to play this game they profess to love. Parents' first outlet is to blame the obvious change, the coach. Yet, the switch from giving students equal time to play to developing a team that can compete successfully  requires coaches that work to find and develop the best niche for each player.

This is the first time that some young minds will begin to be challenged to accept the true concept of TEAM. The mind that pushes himself to understand and develop his roll on the team no matter how small, will thrive. The player that only assesses playing time will feel defeated and quit. The pressure imposed by life and on jobs will  require continual personal evaluation, change, and adjustment, and because of that life lesson, MORE WORDS NEED TO BE SAID.

3. FAIR  IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
Whoever is taken out of the game to sit on the bench and complains it's not fair;
whoever squabbles with the referee that the call is not fair;
whoever complains to the coach that their child's playing time is not fair;
whoever complains that early morning practices are not fair....to these people I say that FAIR is not part of the game. Yes, you will hear me say that LIFE IS NOT FAIR....

In sports, I tell my athletes that they will live and die by the referee, not to let any one call affect their playing the game mentally strong. There will be calls that seem clearly unfair and unreasonable to us, and to those sitting on the opposing bench, they will  appear to be most accurate and wise.

In the classroom, I explain with words that I may not always treat students equally, but I will be fair.  Then, when I treat students differently, they hark "that's not fair." Fair is giving each student what he needs; it is not treating every student equally. In our day and age of fighting for equality, we need to remember that we are also fighting to meet a diverse group of needs.

Tori Veldman, my niece

Teams have a diverse group of needs depending on the opponents' skills.  If one athlete's skills aren't able to combat the opponents' strength, another option may be attempted.  When one student has struggled with serving during a game, no matter how much better she usually is, I may substitute her out during this given game. To those that say it isn't fair, that it depletes an athlete's confidence, an explanation may be beneficial. MORE WORDS MAY NEED TO BE SAID.

4. PLAYING DOESN'T MAKE YOU A PLAYER:
I've watched American Idol for some seasons now.  Clearly, some contestants who strongly believe they have talent, should not have been encouraged to attend even the audition phase, even though this makes for funny television. I call this the Grandma syndrome. Grandma always tells you that you are good because she loves you. Yet, Grandma may not be helping you face reality.

I am not saying some kids shouldn't play sports, but I am saying that when the games become competitive play, then some kids will be cut from teams because they are not ready for that level of play. 

I know I don't have what it takes to sing on the American Idol level, no matter how much I want to hold the microphone high and belt out a Whitney Houston song. That doesn't mean that I am horrible or that I can't sing in church or that I can't bring enjoyment to my students by singing to them in class (ahem). It does mean that I am definitely not what that TV show needs.

It is true that some athletes will later develop with perseverance and a great work ethic.  Good coaches may be able to determine those opportunities and not cut those kids.  However, some coaches will make mistakes. Even Michael Jordan was cut from his high school team. Admittedly, Jennifer Lopez and Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr. reserve the right to tell some musicians to return for auditions the next season because they are that good.

When someone else determines you are not good enough for their stage, MORE WORDS MAY NEED TO BE SAID.

I realize I have said many more words before and after the game that really weren't about performance but rather life.  Performance anxiety is a rampant real life illness, and if words can combat the stage  fright,  I think we need to say them.

MORE WORDS WILL NEED TO BE SAID....(to be continued...)